Maryal

This is the first time I've met "others like us" who were willing to share how bad the effect of our kid's pain (and behaviors) can be. We have two children adopted together at ages 11 and 2( not related by birth) and then added another child 7 yrs later. The first two had bonded to each other, made huge progress,and bonded to us(although not completely "problem free").We worked with RAD and lived with RAD but never heard of it till #3 arrived after disrupting from a previous adoptive home. The agency thought we were such great parents and that our 2 kids were doing so well, surely we were the perfect family for Josh. It sounded so good on paper: this kid had been in 4 foster homes, then the preadoptive home and did not "make it" in any of them. How wonderful for him to come to us, who are PROVEN to stick it out(after all, our older son was 18 by then and doing great) Everyone knew that we went to hell and back with him and also had some major problems with our little girl,too, who by then was 9 and a shining star. Our two children "could show Josh that he doesn't have to be so bad, we'll keep him just like we kept them."
We fell for it, what a head trip... sure we went through the mill but it was all worthwhile, we have these 2 great kids who are close and will always have each other, we can do it again etc etc. How can we turn down this poor little guy we are all being asked to share our love with? We have the space and the resources, #1 son will be going away to college soon, etc.
Although we had never heard of RAD, we did hear about Josh's behaviors and his past traumas. The case worker told us that the couple who planned to adopt him were inexperienced, rigid(unwilling to accept a liitle boy acting out)and gave up on him. She said he was told at age 6 they were his forever parents so now he's mistrustful.What an understatement!!
Anyway, here we are 2 years later, Josh is now in residential after nearly destroyng our household. Our other kids regressed somewhat(duh?)and are now starting to stabilize again. Josh is blissfully unaware of the chaos and my husband and I are contenders for the Nightmare Parents Award. Most of our(former) friends are either shocked that we "got rid of him" or angry that we took him in the first place.
I guess we won't know how this story will end. We never did complete the adoption, so he officially belongs to DFS again, but we have committed to him and will always be his family. We are so torn because while he is away, the rest of us are healthier, he is happier, but we are not living together, so how can we ever really bond? Our other 2 are happier without him and dread his visits home. I don't believe it would benefit him at all if we cut the ties and have him placed with another family, it would only reinforce his abandonment issues. On the other hand, he can't be here. The best we can hope for is success in his (& our) treatment there.
I hope you all can also find some hope in our story, that 11 yr old who we loved was 18 when Josh came and is now 21!! He is a wonderful young man, got through 2 yrs of college( a big struggle for him) and is now a corrections officer.We are so very proud of him. His little sister is 11 and lives for the days that he picks her up at school in his hot car with the loud booming speakers. Sooo much cooler than my mommobile. She too has big career plans: to be a musical star on Broadway. But "just in case" she plays flute and cello, so can be in the orchestra pit between starring roles. I have to be thankful, and try to keep open to what the Big Plan might be ...meanwhile I can't give up. Hang in there for me, ok? Email if I can help you hang in ...

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