Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control

[artsymominnc]

Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children with Severe Behaviors
Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, and B. Bryan Post, LCSW
published by Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC, Orlando, Florida, 2006
ISBN # 0-9777040-0-9
www.beyondconsequences.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Foreword
A Note to the Reader
A Reward Offer

Part I--The Principles of a New Understanding

1.  The Stress Model
2.  Love and Fear
3.  The Patterns That Bind Us
4.  Hidden Feedback Loops

Part II--Seven Behaviors Based in Fear

5.  Parents Appear Hostile and Angry
6.  Lying
7.  Stealing
8.  Hoarding and Gorging
9.  Aggression
10. Defiance
11. Lack of Eye-Contact

Part III--Parenting Bonus Section

12. Real-Life Stories from Real-Life Parents with Real-Life Children

Epilogue

Recommended Readings
About the Authors
Endnotes
Index

In order for our children to heal, we need to go beyond what is seen and we must go beyond consequences, logic, and control in our interactions with our children.  The love-based

understanding explained in this book delineates between the conscious and the unconscious.  Thus it is not about a child who consciously "refuses" to be loved, rather it is about a child who is

engulfed in fear from an unconscious body level.  Candace Pert, in her audio CD, Your Body Is Your Subconscious Mind, tells us that biologically we are designed to be in bliss.  At a biological,

primal level, we are designed to be happy!  Our children need us to trust that they truly are capable of returning to this state of bliss, given an environment of love that fosters this return to

happiness.

And, of course, we are designed for happiness, for we are made in the image of God (For in the image of God has God made man.--Genesis 9:6)!  This truth also exists outside the realm of

religion.  Bruce Lipton, an internationally recognized cell biologist, came to this exact conclusion through his scientific studies and research.  In his book, The Biology of Belief, he explains that

even the smallest of proteins within our bodies require a connection with our environment and that these proteins are completely dependent on the environmental signals  to function.  Thus, he

concludes that, "we are made in the image of the environment, that environment being the Universe, or to many, God."

When we stray away from this truth and remain constricted in fear, seeing our children in the image of anger, manipulation, or defiance, we limit everything about our children.  We limit their

biological programming.  We limit our relationships with them.  We limit their healing potential.  We limit their futures.  And turning full circle, we limit God.

(quote from the Epilogue, pp.108-109.)

[chris28]

My dh and I are just starting to read this.

Just reading the intro by Heather made me cry.

Love the money back guarantee! Not interested in the money part, but will be interesting to see if we can see a change after being consistent for two weeks.

[greenbeanbanshee]

I notice that nobody has offered any reviews of this book, so I'm going to jump in here and let you know that I have been able to apply the principles of the family stress model to totally transform not only my child, but also myself. This book has power beyond the words quoted previously.  It's message is clear.  That healing occurs in relationship.

As a support group leader, author, mother of adoptive children, and instructor, I can tell you that this should be the first book a parent reaches for when dealing with a traumatized child.

There is a website based on this parenting model.  For more information, go to http://consciouslyparenting.com/forums/.

~Bethany

[momof3]

Hello,

Heather Forbes and Eric Guy have produced a 4 hour DVD titled Beyond Consequences Live.  It really fleshes out the book as they role play a lot of the techniques taught in Beyond Consequences.

[Car]

My husband and I just got the book!!  Seems like a good one to learn from so far.  We also just started therapy with our hardest one my neice who is 4 yrs old, with a RAD therapist, YIPPIE!!!!  Finally!!!  Four months of every two weeks of therapy focused on play therapy was doing nothing but making it worse!!  The book seems to go hand in hand with the new therapy!!!

[artsymominsc]

Being able to recognize that innate fear is most often what's driving my son's worst behaviors gives me hope. 

Being able to recognize that his dysregulated thinking and processing can help me gauge how BIG that fear is gives me patience and compassion when I need it most.

But I still feel such sadness when I try to contemplate how ds(10) sees the world because it seems that for him, there's no one to trust, no place to go where he feels "safe," and nothing that he looks forward to. 

I very much needed to be reminded of this as I head into a new day. 

Ds has no school today, but his older brother does.  Having extended one-on-one time with ds makes both of us uncomfortable.  From his perspective, he seems to be in constant agitation over what we're going to do...where we're going to go...who might we meet...etc.  He's the kind of kid that will worry if he doesn't know "the plan" but if he knows the plan, he'll pick it apart and find all sorts of reasons not to like it.  (This is where the RAD and autism bump heads terribly!) 

Part of him recognizes that his older brother looks forward to this sort of day off...but he can't quite allow himself to feel at ease with that much closeness, especially now that he's back in public school and he's grown accustomed to bouncing around between kids and teachers all day...getting "lost" in the crowd.  He wants, I think, to like the idea of togetherness and simple, fun, activities, and I've seen it happen at times when he can actually allow himself to "engage" with me that he seems "happy." 

Sadly, his school situation right now is causing him so much stress and fear that someone will find out that he doesn't really know/comprehend as much as he is letting on.  He's exhausted trying to maintain his facade.  He's become so much more negative and resistant toward me, and anger comes between us all too often these days.

Somewhere inside himself, he's a very scared little boy trying to hide from the world and frustrated because there's nowhere to hide. 

I had been dreading the time with him today until I reminded myself...again and again...that it's not his fault.  His dysregulation is so very big these days because his fears are beyond what he can handle.  I've been inclined to distance myself when it all starts to overwhelm me, but today I need to make an effort to be in the moment with him and encourage him to let me help him with some of that burden that he carries.

We'll see how the day goes.  (Sometimes it's easy to make a plan for myself like this before he's even out of bed.  The real test is how I can hold up under the pressure when we meet face to face.)

Praying for all families out there to find the hope, patience, and compassion that is needed for the coming day.

Liz   

[artsymominsc]

I just wanted to add a follow-up note to say that Tuesday was a much better day than I had anticipated.  I admit that I was feeling some wear and tear by late afternoon from all the intensive "time in" with ds, but for what it's worth, I think he responded pretty well to me throughout the day....and the best part is that it carried over into Wednesday as well. 

He was anxious leaving for school yesterday morning but I could attribute that to his fear of separation from me now that he had allowed himself some closeness.  When I met his bus yesterday afternoon, he was quite pleasant with me, and that continued through tucking him into bed.  What a difference from the sort of days we have been having.

I think what brought about the turning point was that I worked intensely Tuesday not to "react" to the usual things that push my buttons.  Instead, I made an effort over and over again to just take one moment at a time and to try to really be present for him in whatever that moment brought our way.  My favorite part of the day was a shopping errand to Wal-Mart, which he usually doesn't like, We were looking for mittens for him and could only find gloves.  I seized the opportunity to let him pick out some yarn so that I can make him some mittens.  It felt good to be offer something that I actually wanted to do for him.  So often I feel as though he doesn't appreciate whatever I am doing for him, so I've been pulling back on what I offer.  This felt "right" and I'm looking forward to being able to make the mittens for him...started on them last night!

I've got a whole day ahead of me to tackle some errands and jobs around the house.  I got a good night's sleep last night and am feeling refreshed and re-energized to put my best foot forward today.  Sometimes I resist admitting that my decisions to "respond" to ds versus "react" to his behavior can make such a difference, but it does seem to have a way of turning things around.  The thing I have to watch for now is ds's tendency to feel overwhelmed when things are going too well...but it will help that I'm feeling regulated and positive.  We both mess up a lot when we're both dysregulated and just worn out.