A thoughtful blog from a sister of adopteds

[Jeannie]

What thoughts do you have about this?  It touches me....  and makes me hurt for my bios.... and my DS13... and for all of us.

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption/

[justine]

Well....it made me cry.  Thank you for sharing this.  I sent it to each of my sweetpeas...who have suffered so much but have also said mostly the same things as this lovely young lady.   

I can't imagine being the only bio sib with TEN adopted siblings.  Her life is forever changed and hopefully she will survive and redeem what she can.  Thank you so much!

[Truebluemom]

Thank you Jeannie.  I think that is one of the most profound pieces I have read on adoption.  And simple.  I have struggled with this being national adoption month.  I have no public words to express what I feel.  This article comes the closest to saying what I couldn't.  I will be sharing it as well.  I would love to post to the general public, but will at least share this with sweetpea ds27 who was so hurt by all that went on in our home with the girls.

[justine]

True....already heard back from my swp son age 31...who said, "There's still a small part of me that says we're not done yet and it is and will be worth it! Love you!".    He was 11 when we blew up his world.   I guess I'll grab on to his hopeful coat tails....

OTOH....my swp oldest dd, who was 14 when we blew up her world, read the article and thanked me for NOT adopting TEN....lol

[Jeannie]

I haven't sent it to my two yet, but will do that today. I'll let you know what they say... 

On a related note, my DS13's counselor (a good guy) thinks we need to have a family conference to discuss "what ifs".  DS needs the security of knowing what would happen to him if DH and I pass away.  Since John died, the possibility of such things has become more real to him (and us all) and we need to figure out some kind of Plan B.  Problem is, I have no idea what would be best.  My only plan is to live until he's 18.  I can't figure out anything else that would work for both him AND our daughters, both of whom are single. DH and I keep delaying the conversation...

[Truebluemom]

My only plan is to live until he's 18.

I resemble this plan Jeannie.  We keep putting off our will because a - we are procrastinating and b - we don't know what to do about dd24.  We had planned to write her out because of her not keeping in touch, but now she's reconnecting and I don't know that we can do that.  Sigh.  I don't know what else to do but keep on living.   

[lmkadopt]

We just updated our will. I did not want DD potentially inheriting before age 25.
And needed to clarify some other issues.

My mom has agreed to be guardian in the event of it been necessary.
Don't want any ambiguity. So I treat my will as something that I can update once in a while.

[Sherrie1003]

It's a very touching article.

I have only adopted children but I agree with what the adopted kids feel and I see it daily. I was dopted and love my parents for giving me a home and love and family. I give that to my sons and I know it has helped them heal their past trauma, not entirely but mostly.

Thanks for sharing the story.

Sherrie

[OHGrandma]

I was planning on going to the lawyer within a month of GS being taken.  I was so clueless about how GS was twisting and lying, I had planned on HIM inheriting our farm and passing on money to our daughter and her girls.  My husband has been in poor health for about 4 years, a heart attack, a stroke & a pacemaker, surgeries for a broken foot, etc.  GS always took care of his 4H animal projects and helped with the other livestock.  When my husband was down, GS picked up the slack.  I was SO PROUD of him.  But I always made sure he had time for schoolwork and all HIS activities.  Sometimes it was hectic but I thought it was worth it.

GS told people he did 90% of the work here, that he worked until midnight and got up at 5 a.m.  The crap goes on and on. 

I do need to get our will updated.  I will give GS 2 cents.  I will mention him by name, and the amount he gets, and why.  He will never be able to contest the will.  Our daughter and granddaughters will do fine taking care of whatever they want to raise here.  I told our son he will not get a penny until he works his own way out of the poor financial situation he's put himself in.

[Hope]

We keep putting it off because there isnt anyone who can handle her if we pass.  Two years 3.5 months to go til 18.  She will not get our farm.  We need to decide who has first choice to buy it.  Guess the will update needs to be a goal for this year.

[Evan]

What thoughts do you have about this?  It touches me....  and makes me hurt for my bios.... and my DS13... and for all of us.

http://thosesweetbarefeet.wordpress.com/2014/11/03/i-hate-adoption/

Our eldest daughter (who is our biological child) found the piece very hurtful.  At the time she first read it (around Thanksgiving if I recall) she wanted to respond but felt it was better to take some time to let her first emotional reaction fade a bit so she could respond from a place of logic, compassion, and kindness rather than anger.  She was also a bit caught up in tournament play for the D1 sport she plays and then studying for finals.  I don't know if she ever did respond to the author. Of course now she is back in the swing of college, still busy with her sport (she claims and I believe her that they actually spend more time at practice in the off season because of all of the conditioning), and getting ready for sorority recruitment with her sisters so the time issue is probably as much of an issue now as it was in November/December.

My take on the piece (my wife and I read it after our daughter mentioned it to us):
I think, or perhaps just hope, parents who adopt do look at how the adoption will impact the family.  I know my wife and I did.  When we went into foster placements and adoption our kids were involved in the assessment process in ways that were age and developmentally appropriate.  We have turned down placements because we knew at the time that we weren't in a position to take on anything else and still be the parents the children we currently had in our home needed. 
 
I generally believe that we are all entitled to our own perspectives and our perspective on our experiences so please understand that I am not attempting to refute Ms. Puckett's experiences or feelings.  I do note that it appears she went from being an only child to suddenly having two adopted siblings and then eight more adopted siblings that followed over a few more years.  I would imagine that some of the transition issues were not specific to adoption but just the reality that family dynamics do alter and shift when families expand whether by birth or adoption. If I was offering advice to someone considering adoption, I would encourage them to pay attention to the needs of all of their children both as individuals and as a family unit.  I would encourage parents to look at their emotional, physical, and financial resources. I would encourage them to look at their own strengths and needs individually and as a couple and to then evaluate adding another child to the family in the context of all of the above. 

On a personal level, my wife and I both feel that our lives have been richer because of the children who have came into it through foster care and adoption.  Our older two biological children completely agree with this and can't imagine life without any of their siblings whether those siblings were biological or not.  I suspect that our younger children will have similar perspectives but in some ways they are even less aware of the biological/adopted sibling dichotomy because they have grown up all of their lives with their siblings. 

[Jeannie]

Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Evan.  You were probably much better prepared for the "what ifs" of adoption than we were.  We truly didn't know one small baby could cause such upheaval for so long.  I do think that our bios have learned a degree of compassion that they wouldn't have learned otherwise, though.