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Author Topic: What about the ones not adopted?  (Read 9414 times)
OHGrandma
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« on: January 03, 2015, 08:39:55 AM »

It seems many of the adopted kids who have RAD come from Eastern European countries.  Did you ever wonder about the ones not adopted, how do they turn out?  Here is a first hand report from a missionary I know.

Our church helps support a local woman who went into the missionary field after college.  She's about 64 now.  She has worked almost exclusively in Romania for 30+ years.  She taught English and Bible classes to school children and adults and also worked with orphanages.  About 10 years ago the agency she works through saw so many of the girls age out of the orphanages with no skills and just go into prostitution to support themselves.  So, they thought they'd build something like a college dormitory and teach them basic living skills in an apartment like setting before they got on their own.  Sounds like a great idea, right? 

There were rules, much like a family has.  No boys in your room, clean up after yourself, keep common areas clean, don't tear up the building, finish school, learn a trade or further education, get a job, etc.  It was a wonderful dream.  The building is pretty full, but not with a single orphan.  The girls refused to follow the rules and never even tried or were kicked out.  This arrangement was for girls who wanted to be there, and none of the orphans they wanted to help were interested in being helped. 

Today the building houses high school age students that come to the big city to finish their high school or college education.  The rural areas often don't have high schools and it is common for the kids to go to the city for high school.  They're still serving kids, just not the group they had targeted.  The orphan girls are pretty much out there creating a new generation of RAD orphans.

So I think for all who have taken on the job of raising these RAD children, you gave your children a chance at a better life.  But you couldn't make them choose it.  Since we are made in God's image I think our feelings are also patterned after God's.  I think he put Adam and Eve in Eden and said, "Look what is here for you, everything you could need or desire; just don't take that one thing", but that's what they took; I don't think they were just deceived, I think they took it because they wanted control.  I think God knows the anguish we feel when our kids refuse the good and take the bad.  The one thing that seems to bring us the most comfort is someone else saying, "I really know how you feel, I've been there and it hurts."  God does know.
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TeriPDX
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« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2015, 11:44:24 AM »

Thank you for sharing this.  Our son was adopted from a Romanian orphanage.  Before we brought him home I had read an article in a Sunday news magazine that told how the Romanian orphans were put out on the streets at age 16.  The article showed a group living in the sewers under Bucharest.  Our son will most likely end up on the streets here, but at least we tried to give him a loving family experience for sixteen years.   love9
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DS20: RAD, FAE, ADHD; Adopted from Romania at age 2.
anne
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« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2015, 02:08:47 PM »

Our darlins are in residence right now and Dd19 has just returned from the ER on self-harm issues for the 4th time since the week before Christmas.  I really needed to read this today.  Thanks.
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anne
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Darlins are bio sibs -Dd20 (RAD, GAD-NOS, PTSD, Bipolar? ABC?), Ds18 (AD,CP,PDD-NOS,PTSD); adopted at 6 and 3.5 yr
karleen
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« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2015, 12:27:40 AM »

I sometimes think "What if...".  And sometimes people say to me "You really did 'save' the twins."  I kind of don't like to hear that, because I do have resentment because of how hard the last almost-17 years have been.  And now I am their guardian and I know it isn't over, even though they are 18yo.  I kind of feel like a hypocrite because I don't want anyone to think I am some great wonderful person because we did adopt.

And I do wonder what would have happened with/to them, with all their medical needs.  I GUARANTEE you they would not have been taken care of.  It is scary to think of.  But they are here, and they do have a chance at a better life.  I hope, in spite of their low-ish IQ, and their academic difficulties, they achieve it.

Anyway, I don't mean to make this thread about me,me,me.  But I have a feeling you guys know what I mean.
 
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karleen
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Sherrie1003
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« Reply #4 on: January 04, 2015, 07:02:38 AM »

Thanks OH Grandma.

I know that lots of kids never get the chance our kids have and we do the very best we can with the children God gave us. But, you touched an a key principal. We have free will, as do our kids.

Thank you for sharing and for looking at the positive, in spite of the negatives. I know there are thousands of success stories and God only knows where our children would be now without us. maybe your story shows us just what depravity awaits kids not adopted.

Thanks so much,

Sherrie
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"Sometimes the clearest evidence that God has not deserted you is not that you are successfully past your trials, but that you are still on your feet in the midst of it." Dale Ralph Davis
lmkadopt
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« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2015, 02:31:15 PM »

I am involved in a non-profit that sends graduate orphans in Ukraine to trade school. The kids have many complex legal, emotional and health issues.
http://anorphansmiles.org/

A friend of ours is a lawyer and he runs the center in Kyiv. The kids gather once a month for support. For example, when I was there they were teaching them about TB as a grad had recently died from TB.

Over the years we have sponsored many kids - what I can say is that without the support they would have been on the street and or in crime or prostitution (or both). My son helps a few grads who were transferred to an adult psych hospital - the kids manage to break out on Sundays and come back to the orphanage for dental work, food etc

One of the kids we sponsor has no legs and only partial arms. He is truly resilient and has done 2 trade school courses and now is studying social work. My son helped buy him a laptop and he edits videos etc.

However, without support the kids are subject to abuse by the system - one child was sent to trade school and they "fed" him 12 bottles of chilli - those were his rations...
Sometimes if they have any property or tenancy rights strangers or even family try to con them out of it.
We paid for a metal security door to lock out a woman who tried to take over one of the grads apartments that he inherited with his brothers from his dad.

We got one of the kids a drivers license and now 9 years on (after trade school,army and much support) he is married and working as a driver for a tv station.

But the kids are extremely vulnerable
http://anorphansmiles.org/joomla15/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=471
Zhenya was framed on a murder charge and only many years and a huge investment in legal help he is out.

Some of the current orphans being sponsored:
http://anorphansmiles.org/joomla15/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=81&Itemid=10

I have visited many times and it is very hard to see.
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TeriPDX
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« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2015, 03:14:14 PM »

I followed the link to the "Meet Our Tsurupinsk GAP Students page.  They are all my son's age or just a year or two older.  Several of them remind me of him in appearance.  I hope only the best for them.   love9
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DS20: RAD, FAE, ADHD; Adopted from Romania at age 2.
koala59
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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2015, 06:02:01 AM »

My daughter has a half sister, 7 years older than her, that stayed in Ukraine and when she was 16 she had to leave the orphanage.
She got married straightaway and had two girls....
 We paid an investigator to find her so we stayed in touch. She was leading a hard life so I would send her money occasionally to help and then....last time she wrote a couple of years ago she had left her husband and children and gone to live with another man....
She hinted at having to pay lawyers for getting the girls back but my daughter got mad at her , saying she did the same thing her mother did to them and abandoned them, so she stopped writing...
I know many have a sad life but then I just learned that many foster care kids, that age out of the system,  live in the streets in the USA so trauma is a very bad devil to fight, I guess.
So sad.
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Koala95
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2015, 07:05:48 AM »


I had a brief mention of a charity that was trying to put older kids aging out of the system in touch with families.

The idea being that the family would be available to the child as a 'touchstone' of sorts.  A place that was available for holidays, a phone call for advice, etc.

I loved the idea of giving a child a 'place.'   

I always wondered who you would call for advice:  buying a car, going to college, etc.  I loved the idea of helping a kid that way.  You know, we 'retired' RAD parents would be a good source of support.  We know all of the tricks. 

My realistic self realizes that we're just painting yet another target on our backs. 

Pity that trying to help others kills our desire to help.  I'll donate, but I won't get involved with traumatized people again.
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