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Author Topic: Back to court for DS  (Read 27557 times)
bijou
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« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2015, 11:10:56 PM »

Those of us still here with older children have not found the change we hoped that a few years on their own, would provide.  In our dd's case, there's no end to the suck-ups and rescuers.  If they no longer serve a purpose, they are replaced.  This would include suck-up relatives (can be the worst). 

I too agree that God can heal in an instant, but He has chosen not to.  dd knows the "right" spiritual answers, but that does not mean Christ has her heart.

OHGrandma, I think our homes provide protection, physical, mental, spiritual, etc.  When they are out from underneath that cover of prayer and protection, they no longer have the boundaries that we have provided for them and they go out of control?  (for lack of a better term, because they are pretty much out of control anyway)  I don't know if this totally fits your situation.  It's more of what I see with the adult children.

It is indeed a difficult road we walk with our adult children.  Certainly we hope that they will not have to learn everything the hard way or worst way, but on the whole we don't see that here.  Several of us have been here for many years, so we still haven't given up hope.  It just isn't very promising.

Hugs to you, blessings.
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My life is blessed by all of you.

mom to several
dd with RAD/some form of adult PD (BPD,NPD,ASPD?)-30's
OHGrandma
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« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2015, 06:51:24 AM »

bijou, the lack of boundaries certainly fits our situation.
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RADDails
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« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2015, 01:45:35 PM »

Good question, OHGrandma.  Would like to see the answer.

On a whole other front, and just because I am a beaten and battered hopeless optimist, do you know of any programs that might help him more than prison?  Something that the court could order? 

How fun would it be if we could send our trauma kids to someone like the police chief in Maricopa County AZ?!  No frills, no thrills.  You don't like it, get out and don't come back! 

Something like an outward bound, a last chance ranch, some such? 

I know some people are destined for prison, but I saw our DD14 negatively impacted by 1.5 years of RTC.  I can't imagine what she'd be like out of prison. 
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RADDails
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« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2015, 01:45:56 PM »

And if there isn't some such place, why isn't there?!
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Cher
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« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2015, 08:21:09 PM »

Actually we do have 2 such 2nd chance facilities in Maricopa county,,, where I live.

And I love sheriff Joe Arpio.  He does make a difference here.

They work much like  combination of job corps, boot camp and inpatient mental health care all in one.  The kids live within the property boundries which are razor fenced much like a prison.  It seems to have so good results.   But It works best for those who will likely end up in jail.  It is voluntary.  No judge will or can order admittance.   Not even as a punishment for a crime.

Parents pay a portion of the bill to cover dorms.  But it is on a sliding scale otherwise.  They do accept some insurance plans.

It uses military style programs and tough love, to scare them straight a bit while promoting respect and bonding with elders.

Unfortunately,  unless your kiddo is constantly in trouble with the law, they may not get accepted.  My kiddos knew how to skirt the police and arrests well enough, that they could not compare to the kids that they did admit.

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1= AGD 22,ODD&RAD&BPD&CUTTER&FAE, SUICIDAL,DRUG ABUSER & DRUNK.
1= AGD24, DEPRESSION, DIGESTIVE STRESS Dx, EX-SWP ASTRANGED. BIO SIS TO AGD22.
1 AD40 METH ABUSER
1 AD42 DRUNK, METH/ DOM. VIOL. BIO MOM OF DGD22 AND DGD24.
DS32 & DD43 NO ISSUES.
8 OTHER GRNDS/6 GRT GRNDS (UNKNOWN)
blessingsindisguise
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« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2015, 09:29:32 PM »

What great people I know. So thankful for all of you.

In my son's case he was too high functioning for his own good.

If he had been a little less self sufficient I could have had a guardian appointed and gotten him into some sort of program. But he is very charming, bright, and after years of therapy, can tell you what you want to hear.

On his own since May of 2011, he has treated his pain with alcohol, drugs, and a series of doomed relationships.

As his behaviors spiral ever downward, the consequences increase.

He sees the little boy he was as a weak person, needing attachment, closeness and boundaries, and those feelings of closeness and attachment terrify him. 

On top of it, the FASD has affected his brain in ways that can only be described as damage.  His limbic system does not function properly and he lacks pre frontal reasoning capacity.

It is a horrible combination.

blessings
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mary anne radmacher
justine
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« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2015, 11:04:28 PM »

It is, Blessings....my son is so similar.   We can pray and hope and not much more.    God knows and I trust Him.   I don't understand, but I trust.
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bio dd35  freakishly sweet 
bio ds32  recklessly loving
bio ds27  frightfully kind
adopted sibling group at ages 10, 6 and 4
worstrad30  adopted at age 10, left family at age 18
ads27  FAE/rad, we're still looking for a conscience, estranged
add24 P/A Rad.  Unattached, wants the family bene
Sherrie1003
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« Reply #22 on: February 02, 2015, 09:54:48 AM »

RADDails,

I recently saw a news story about the Army national Guard where they took drop outs and such and put them through something like boot camp to get them their GED and to teach them respect, life skills and job skills.

I am not sure if it is in all areas but you may call them and ask.

Sherrie
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"Sometimes the clearest evidence that God has not deserted you is not that you are successfully past your trials, but that you are still on your feet in the midst of it." Dale Ralph Davis
TeriPDX
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« Reply #23 on: February 02, 2015, 10:29:34 AM »

Another one here with the FASD/RAD combo.  It is hard, so very hard.   Undecided
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DS20: RAD, FAE, ADHD; Adopted from Romania at age 2.
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« Reply #24 on: February 02, 2015, 09:53:01 PM »

I think if my son had only RAD, we could have journeyed together and find healing.  He could have learned to turn to me when he felt lost.

I think if my son had only FASD, we could have journeyed together, and he would be higher functioning.  He would have a trust in my good wishes for him, and possibly allow me to help him with boundaries as he would know I only wanted him safe.

Instead, my son trusts no one but himself.  He feels safe when he has the illusion of control.  Unfortunately, he lacks the critical thinking and judgement to actually make good choices.  And now that he has self medicated his pain and he is trapped in a cycle of addiction to alcohol and drugs, he has even fewer options.

My heart aches, for me, but mostly for him.

I am healing, I have many good days ahead.

My son is spiraling down, I fear there is only heartache ahead for him.

blessings
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courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
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"i will try again tomorrow".
mary anne radmacher
Sherrie1003
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« Reply #25 on: February 03, 2015, 06:31:23 AM »

Blessings,

I admire your courage to pray and find ways not to be bitter.

The little boy has grown into a man and inside that man is still the good stuff you raised him with. But, like the prodigal son all we can do is pray and wait for them to figure it out and want God back in their hearts.

the father in the prodigal son story was always watching and waiting for his son to return. I can tell you are too.

I am not sure what I would do if my son were in prison. He is not following God right now and isn't doing as I raised him to do, so at some level I understand and pray a lot too. I try to stay in contact with my son and encourage him to do the right things. He knows I love him and he knows the right path, but he has to choose it now.

I will keep praying for you to remain steadfast in your prayers for him and that you keep your positive attitude.

Sherrie
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"Sometimes the clearest evidence that God has not deserted you is not that you are successfully past your trials, but that you are still on your feet in the midst of it." Dale Ralph Davis
blessingsindisguise
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« Reply #26 on: February 05, 2015, 11:13:19 PM »

Thank you for the prayers Sherrie, I appreciate them.

As for my son, there is no good inside of him.  He told me himself that that little boy no longer exists.  That that little boy is dead to him.

My son has embraced a life of evil.  From the tattoos he adorns his body with, to the music he listens to, to the 'family' he chooses, the followers of the Insane Clown Posse.  To the vile way he talks about me, to the way he manipulates my mother for more money.

My son has embraced evil.

Can he be restored, redeemed?  Absolutely.  God is still God and can still change lives.  But the individual has to want to change.  My son, at this moment, does not want to change.

And I am not capable of being the father in the prodigal son. 

My son has threatened to kill me, wished me dead.

Even if he should find newness and create a restored life, I will never trust him.  I can forgive, but I will never forget.

I will never let my guard down with him.  He has shown what he is capable of. 

I will continue to pray for him.  I will continue to seek healing for myself.  I will continue to protect people from my son, including my dear sweet mother whom only wants what is best, and doesn't quite grasp that my son is a predator.

I will love on parents facing this same awful journey.  I was ill prepared 20 years ago when the SW fed me the 'love will be enough' kool aid.  I should have listened closer to the lawyer that told us that we could do everything right, and that it could still be a disaster because of how damaged our children were. 

I gave my children a chance.  That is enough.

Their future is theirs to own, as my future is mine to own.

And unfortunately, our futures most likely will not be blended together.

And that's ok.

Again, thank you for your prayers.  They are treasured.

blessings

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courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
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"i will try again tomorrow".
mary anne radmacher
Sherrie1003
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2015, 12:46:10 PM »

Blessings,

As I read your post it makes me sad.

I understand what you are saying and have experienced similar with my own son. But, unlike yours mine isn't evil and hasn't embraced evil. He has made incredibly poor choices. He only contacts me when he is in trouble and wants something, usually money. I believe he left rehab but I am not sure and it doesn't matter. I can't stop loving him and even knowing I did my best doesn't make it feel better some days.

I will keep praying for you and him. I know love isn't enough and I know sometimes faith doesn't seem like enough either.

I hope you can find peace.

Sherrie

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"Sometimes the clearest evidence that God has not deserted you is not that you are successfully past your trials, but that you are still on your feet in the midst of it." Dale Ralph Davis
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« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2015, 11:41:07 PM »

Thank you for your kind words Sherrie.

I am so much better now than I used to be.

A year or two ago, I had the privilege of spending some time with our KathleenB.  She asked me how I wanted my life to be in 5 years.  She asked me how I wanted to feel in 5 years.  She asked me how I thought my husband and darling youngest would feel about my choices, and about me in 5 years.

Her words struck home, and still live within me.

Her words gave me strength and a goal.

The goal, to find the old me.  The old me that my husband married, and the old mum that I was before the chaos.

Each day I am closer to that person.  Each day I am stronger, one step closer to healing.

I will always love my children.  I will always reach out to them, but on my terms, in my own way.

I will no longer be bullied, used as an emotional punching bag, or be emotionally blackmailed.

I have learned that I can live, and thrive, even when I am not allowed to be mum, when I am not allowed to be gramma.

There is pain, and scars, but there is also a sense that the 20 years I invested in my children was only one chapter in my life.  The next 20 years of my life will be another chapter, this chapter focused on my husband, my youngest, and those that want to be a part of my life.

I am done chasing after people that don't want me in their life.

and with that, comes my peace.

Again, thank you for your kind words and prayers.  They are much appreciated.

blessings
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courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow".
mary anne radmacher
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« Reply #29 on: February 07, 2015, 08:58:54 AM »

Blessings, I am so sorry for your sons choices.  But thank you for sharing your journey.
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