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Author Topic: Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control Vol. II  (Read 18408 times)
momof3
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« on: November 11, 2008, 01:32:06 PM »

Heather Forbes' new book is out.  She has a special for the next 48 hours.  If you buy the book, you receive 2 CDs.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/volume2/
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dn15 adopted (husband's bio great niece)
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blessingsindisguise
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« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2008, 03:03:15 PM »

thanks!!!

blessings
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courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow".
mary anne radmacher
artsymominsc
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« Reply #2 on: November 12, 2008, 06:28:15 AM »

Thanks for passing along that information.  I just placed my order.  I was pleased to see that this book will address some new topics:

Poor Social Skills
Demanding Behaviors
Self-Injury
Defensive Attitudes
No Conscience
Homework Battles
Chores

Information about the free CDs:

The first CD features the story behind the book and Heather's own personal stories that give her passion and keep her focused on her mission. The second CD is an interview of Heather discussing the essentials of parenting adopted children, sponsored by Journey To Me.

Liz
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trying
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« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2008, 12:23:57 PM »

I'm interested in this offer.  I haven't read the first book.  Is the first book necessary before getting the second?  Can you benefit from the second on it's own without purchasing the first?
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We are not what we shall be, but we are on the way.   Martin Luther
artsymominsc
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« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2008, 03:25:07 AM »

Each book covers different topics...so if the topics of the second book seem to "fit" with what you're looking for, it's not necessary to purchase the first.  I assume that the general principles of this approach would be reviewed in the second book. 

Liz
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bijou
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« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2008, 08:56:30 AM »

Does anyone know if this book or the other would be helpful for those of us with adult unhealed RADs?  (I feel like I have a library of books now)

Bijou
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artsymominsc
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« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2008, 12:25:14 PM »

I would definitely recommend the first book because it provides such a good explanation of how the brain responds to trauma and how we are all impacted by our past experiences....no matter how old we are! 

Having a relationship with anyone who has experienced severe trauma is a challenge that requires patience and compassion.  I think that the first book does an excellent job of describing how sometimes people get "stuck" in negative feedback loops where they repeat the same scenarios with someone over and over again.  In order for a change to occur in the relationship, the loop needs to be broken...in essence, the healthy person needs to be the one to break the cycle and introduce positive feedback in its place.

Liz   


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trying
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« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2008, 10:14:16 PM »

I surfed around the Beyond Consequences web site for a while this afternoon, ordered the book (2nd one), and downloaded the free mp3s.  Then I put them on my mp3 player and listened while I cooked supper.  This is stuff I needed to hear again.  It is hopeful and affirming, and it makes sense.

My biggest problem is that I'm so frustrated with ds right now that I don't want to be understanding.  I'd rather whip out another consequence.

 I guess it's time for the mom to grow up and be a parent?
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« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2008, 10:44:49 PM »

trying,

My biggest problem is that I'm so frustrated with ds right now that I don't want to be understanding.  I'd rather whip out another consequence.

thank you so much for your honesty.

my husband asks me when I am at my lowest and off in my room if I am contemplating parenting or seeking revenge.

 laughing6

I love that man. 

He knows how to get me back on track.

blessings
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courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice
at the end of the day saying,
"i will try again tomorrow".
mary anne radmacher
artsymominsc
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« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2008, 04:47:03 AM »

My copy of the new book came in yesterday's mail and I wanted to share an insight that occurred to me as I was reading the chapter about poor social skills.  One of the things that I have been most concerned about with my ds(10) at school is that he doesn't seem to be interested in playing with the other kids or even sitting with them for lunch.  I've been inclined to assume that he prefers to be with the adults as much as possible because he wants to know what's going on...the adults are the ones with that information, after all. 

I've been looking at it from a rather negative perspective because I tend to assume that he's using his proximity to the adults to "spy." He has a tendency to misinterpret the information he overhears and this eventually leads to more and more fears...not a good thing.  I admit that when I hear him begin to talk about sitting with his teachers at lunch and hearing them say something, we're in trouble because chances are that he's going to dwell on a new worry.  It's a good example of a negative feedback loop because I don't even have to hear what he's overheard to jump to the conclusion that things are going to get worse.

This morning as I have been skimming through the book, I read a very simple statement: "Children need to learn to play and interact in a regulated and safe environment." (p.55)  I read on...and began to make some connections of my own as to why in the school environment my son is consistently gravitating toward the security of being around adults rather than other children.  He is internally seeking out someone who is regulated to help him feel more grounded whenever he feels overwhelmed in the chaotic environment of the lunch room, the playground, perhaps even in the classroom.

When I remind myself to look at it that way, I can again appreciate what I already knew a few years ago when he was in public school the first time.  The fact that a school environment is overwhelming for him as far as sensory stimulation and behavior expectations has kind of gotten lost in my own mind because day after day I am finding myself in the same feedback loop of feeling as though he takes all his stress out on me at the end of the school day when he comes home.  He doesn't typically misbehave.  He's not violent.  He just exudes an ever-present fear and it permeates our daily life at home.  Rather than responding with compassion and an understanding of how stressed he is because he perceives the world to be such a dangerous place and lacks any confidence in being able to cope on his own...I find myself getting mad...again...and wanting very much to be away from him...when actually he needs to be near me...but he needs me to be calm.

So...today would be a good day for me to make that my personal goal.  Ds has an appointment with the psychiatrist this morning at 11:00 and an appointment with a pediatrician this afternoon who is following up on some lab work that he ordered as he tries to help us investigate a peculiar odor that ds has developed in the past couple of months.  In other words, today has a lot to do with being there for ds...and I can either drive myself crazy with it...or try to appreciate that this is likely to be a tough day for him too.  It can't be comfortable for him to be taken to appointments knowing that he is the topic of conversation.  That's why, despite how bad things might be leading up to these appointments, he always seems to get more "clingy" when the time comes to go.  He is seeking regulation from me...and I need to get myself ready to provide that...because I really don't care much for these appointments either!   Roll Eyes
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momof3
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« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2008, 08:54:40 AM »

artsymominsc,

thank you for sharing your insight.  We go thru the same scenario with our dd and appointments.  I have found it helpful, in fact right down beneficial, if she does not know about appointments until we are either 1. getting ready for an appointment, or 2. actually enroute to an appointment.  When she knows ahead of time, she worries herself into a frenzy and possible meltdown.  I hope as time passes, this will no longer be necessary, but for now, it is what works to protect her from unnecessary stress.
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"Nothing can touch me that doesn't pass through HIS Hands."

dn15 adopted (husband's bio great niece)
2 bio sons - angels in disguise
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« Reply #11 on: November 23, 2008, 09:59:32 AM »

Momof3-

That not telling your child about appts etc gradually, gradually goes away. Took us years but appts became easier to manage. We could tell our son the exact morning of the appt but not anytime sooner.

We just didn't get why ds got so out of control, but we soon learned. Same with Christmas & Turkey Daty? Couldn't put up decorations in advance ( nor the tree) because son would go ballistic. ( sexual abuse happened?Huh?) House full of relatives.........

We put up our tree Christmas eve & took it down Christmas day. As ds got older he ASKED for the tree! He could tolerate the bare amount of Christmas/ holiday decorations. Acted crazy like .
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L, theresa
momof5
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« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2009, 11:30:57 PM »

 A thought on this way late in the game....

Another reason kids with trauma histories often gravitate to adults rather than peers is that some kids have only learned to use language as a tool, a means to an end and not as a means to share affective emotions or communication. He may be gravitating to the adults to learn what will be happening next etc.

When you use language only in this way after a time it becomes difficult to have any longterm sustained peer relationships because if you can't identify or put words to your own emotions or affective states you don't understand others(peers). And relationships are really sustained by understanding on some level how the other person is feeling. If you don't get that other kids who do have a tough time with kids like ours who don't.
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